I Don't Know What to Call This

Just have to get some thoughts off my chest. I need prayer, friends. I mean that. I. NEED. prayer. Things can't stay like this. So much of my walk with Christ is ME doing things. That's not how Christianity works. In Islam and Buddhism and all the other religions that I know about, it's all about people doing things to reach God and all about people obeying the right commands or measuring up to the divine standard. In short, non-Christians feel the burden lies on them. ONLY in Christianity is God the first mover. It's a supernatural religion. It's not about me doing something, it's about God doing something. I can't meet God's requirements until God moves in me. I can't attain to a divine standard until God makes the first move. I'm incapable. It's not possible. "Love the LORD your God with all your heart, soul, and strength" is not merely a command to obey God. It is a command to cherish God. To want God more than anything else. "Love your neighbor as yourself." Does not mean "Do good things for your neighbor, grumbling and complaining all the while." It means to desire the good of all men with earnestness. I don't just sin. I am a sinner. My heart is wrong. For my heart to be fixed, God has to intervene. A person cannot perform open-heart surgery on themselves so neither can I change my heart. God has to remove my heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh. Until He does, I'm in violation of His law.

All this to say that, while I believe I'm saved (because I have faith that Christ died for my sins and that God is working sanctification in me), I need prayer for more sanctification. So. Many. of my desires are still WRONG! I can't honestly say that God's commandments are not burdensome. Something is WRONG! I need to not just obey God but to LOVE obeying Him! I need to not just do kind things for others; I need to LOVE showing kindness. I need to LOVE showing patience and grace and compassion. I need to HATE sin. There is still a part of me that likes sin and that is NOT making war on it! Or that is making war but not NEARLY as intensely as I need to be. I don't love God with my whole heart! There are times when I CAN'T say "Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is none upon earth that I desire beside you." The wonder of salvation is so often lost on me. I see the glory of some important things but I miss the glory on so many, many more.

Romans 5 says that "hope does not disappoint because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit..." This isn't talking about the end of a chain of logic. This is talking about an experience. An experience I lack so often. Sometimes it surfaces but it needs to be more consistent and more deeply felt. Romans 8 says that "The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God." Again, that's not talking about a deduction from logic. That's talking about an experience. An experience I lack. The Holy Spirit, a being completely apart from me, needs to testify to my spirit before I can enjoy this reality. I don't see the glory of God being my Father. So often I live under the bondage of fear. And that's not okay. It's not okay for a child of God to be living that way! Jesus died to remove me from the service of fear. My service to God and to others MUST be born of love. Not fear. That's the defining characteristic of Christ-followers. Love. Unrelenting love. Deep love. Abandoned love. Love in the face of all hatred and things that would normally cause fear. I don't love people that way. Not yet. So please pray for me.