My mom died 6 years ago on this day. At the time, it was terrible. I got an email from Pastor Drew telling me to call my dad. My bed was unmade and we were about 15 minutes from convocation. I was bewildered. I felt like I was in a dream. I stumbled into my SLDs room, told him, and just started crying. He just hugged me. He had no words. But I didn't need words. I eventually wandered over to Convo and spent the whole music time thinking "If I can praise God today, my faith must be real." I can't remember if I went to classes that day. I can't remember where I went after Convo or who I talked to. I do remember telling my friend Annie. She and my friend Aimee made oatmeal chocolate chip cookies for me. I remember that. I remember Marty Kieffer driving all the way down from Hanover to get me and bring me back for the funeral. I remember nothing of our conversation though. I remember going to Walmart to get proper clothing for the funeral. I remember telling people at dollar tree and I remember them sending over a gift basket. I very much remember the feeling that all of Hanover was wrapped in a cloudy blanket of so much sadness that nothing in the whole town would ever be remotely fun or happy or non-depressing ever again. I remember agonizing the night before the funeral about what I would say there. How could I hope to sum up a relationship of 24 years in a short composition? I remember realizing that reading The Giving Tree would be perfect because the memory of my mom reading stories to me as a kid is still one of my most treasured memories. I remember such greats as The Slithergadee, Abu Ali, and the 7 Chinese Brothers from the Childcraft volumes. I remember Tikki Tikki Tembo, Waltzing Matilda, and Mouse Soup. And The Giving Tree was such an allegory for our relationship. Mom didn't have nearly as much to give me as the tree gave to the boy but what she had, she gave. I don't remember much about the funeral itself but I do remember the sermon. Drew preached on the raising of Jairus' daughter. He pointed out that in this story, along with many other stories of Christ encountering a dead person, He did not hurry; He arrived late. Very late in some cases. He didn't see death as that big of a problem. For Christ, death was not considered a formidable obstacle that He had to make special arrangements to deal with. He showed up, told the little girl "Wake up, sweetheart!" and she was alive again. Death isn't a big deal for God like it is for us. But He still cries with us because its really big for us.
I remember going to the Baltimore greyhound station with Paul Trask. And I remember Dr. Honeycutt picking me up on the Lynchburg end of the trip. I remember breaking down at the Michael W Smith concert when he played This is Your Time. I probably got snot all over Steve's T-shirt but he's just the kind of guy who doesn't mind so much and will just keep hugging you.
Anyway, my whole point in writing is not just to remember how bad everything was but to stand in awe at the lavish wisdom and love of God in taking her when He did. It hit me a while back that talking about God's wisdom and love in relation to pain and suffering is NOT about putting the best face on something, being optimistic/positive, or mere froth and white wash. I thought about how the time from May 2007 to now would have been different had mom not died and I realized it would largely have been filled with discouragement, pain, depression, and suffering. He was SO good and kind to take her! I certainly didn't feel it at the time but it was nevertheless true.
Mom would have come to my graduation. She'd have been so proud of me but she would've wanted me to move back to Hanover and would've been upset when I stayed in Lynchburg. She'd have gone through so much sadness and pain when I moved to Korea. Her pain might have made me decide NOT to take that opportunity. If I'd gone, she'd have just cried and been so upset and would've grown increasingly miserable with every holiday I was away. When I returned she'd have wanted me to stay. When I moved back in she'd have been overjoyed and my dad would NEVER have been able to get me to move out without their marriage falling apart. Had I NOT gone to Korea, I'd be in the same lousy situation and Korea, while filled with loneliness and difficulty, did change me in a profound way.
I guess what I am trying to say is that if you are in a painful situation, it's okay to cry and feel depressed but God is loving you throughout anyway. Don't lose heart. Continue seeking Him. Embrace the work God wants to do in you as you struggle.
No comments:
Post a Comment