I just have to put it out there... if anyone really knew me... the real me... they would not be my friend. One of my very best friends just got back from going overseas for a few weeks doing missions work and his attitude on returning has thrown the coldness and self-centeredness of my own heart into sharp relief. I am SOOOOO far from being the man God wants me to be. I don't pray nearly enough. My quiet times have been dull and burdensome to me for most of this summer and although I pray for strength, I can't quite bring myself to really strive to abide in Christ. If most of the Christians I know were like this guy I would seriously, seriously question my salvation. I sometimes struggle with depression. Not to the degree that my mom struggled with it but it often yanks me back from the heated pursuit which God asks me to make for Him. It's a burden and a pain and I no longer know what to do about it. Prayer just doesn't seem to work in this case.

Anyway, I know drawing comparisons is wrong and it only leads either to discouragment or pride but I'm so accustomed to thinking of my faith in terms of how other people will react to me and what impression I will leave with those who meet me. I'm tired of all this shallow BS though. I wish more than anything that I could get my pharasaical tendencies uprooted from their position in my life. I freaking hate constantly worrying about my public image and how other people will conceive of me and wanting to let them know how "holy" or "intellectual" or "reflective" I am. I need so much help from God.