3. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Brontë)
Pleasure: 8/10 Stars
Utility: 1/10 Stars
There are books that aid you in the process of living and books that make that process mean something. Jane Eyre is in the latter group. As Glen Holland (the fictional main character in Mr. Holland's Opus) once observed, "...you can cut the arts as much as you want... [but] sooner or later, these kids aren't gonna have anything to read or write about."
I had a hard time reading through this book. There were stretches that were quite boring to me. But the problem does not lie in the book. It's a terrific book. Wonderful! Marvelous! Nuanced! Moving, tearful, horrifying, suspenseful, full of mystery and intrigue! No, the problem does not lie in the book. It's a terrific composition. The problem lies in me. The problem lies in our society. We are a people addicted to instant gratification, brevity and excitement. We are a superficial people. We have largely lost our ability to be patient, to meditate and to consider things of depth. And Jane Eyre requires those 3 things.
The story as a whole is a look at Jane's soul which, though it has encountered very little but pain, suffering, and horror, has kept its integrity. Jane refuses time and again to compromise her virtues and convictions in order to find acceptance or love. It is this constant refusal to allow herself to be corrupted that makes the ending so wonderfully tearful when she at last is able to be joined to one who loves her. If you read this one, you may need a box of tissues. It'll make you laugh out loud (on rare occasions), think, cry, and be freaked out.
04 February 2014
25 January 2014
Book Reviews 1 & 2
So in 2014 I am cutting out all movies, TV shows and personal visual entertainment and trying to spend a bit more time reading. In the interests of keeping up my motivation, I'm going to write reviews for each book I read and give 2 ratings out of 10 stars for how much I *personally* enjoyed it and how much I got out of it. Here are the first two:
1. Too Busy Not To Pray (Bill Hybels)
Pleasure: 4/10 Stars
Utility 9/10 Stars
In this exploration of what it looks like to have a prayer life, Mr. Hybels provides a series of tools to incorporate into one's daily routine and answers questions that people typically raise regarding prayer such as prayer's relationship to doubt, suffering and faith. It's a comprehensive introduction to praying and offers some very practical, sound advice on how to have a satisfying prayer life. The reason the pleasure rating is so low is that I have this sinful propensity to see Christianity as merely a system of ideas and concepts. When a book becomes intensely practical, my sinful heart says "Come on, man! Where are the INSIGHTS??? The connections between one idea and another?!" So the low rating says a lot more about me than about the book.
2. The New Testament Documents: Are They Reliable (F. F. Bruce)
Pleasure: 6/10 Stars
Utility: 9/10 Stars
In this brief but classic examination of the historicity of the 27 "books" in the New Testament canon, Dr. Bruce lays a bedrock for faith. Each chapter is (relatively) short but addresses a different type of the prose (the gospels, the Pauline epistles, the Petrine epistles, and the Johannine writings), pulls what historicity we can from each section and shows that the New Testament is worthy to be considered as a rigorously compiled record of God's interaction in our world through Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit. In addition to addressing each kind of prose, Dr. Bruce also looked at some of the most common objections that modern, secular critics raise when confronting Scripture. It was often tersely worded and hard to understand but with some focus and a dictionary/ Wikipedia at hand it was WELL worth the read.
Next up is Jane Eyre...
1. Too Busy Not To Pray (Bill Hybels)
Pleasure: 4/10 Stars
Utility 9/10 Stars
In this exploration of what it looks like to have a prayer life, Mr. Hybels provides a series of tools to incorporate into one's daily routine and answers questions that people typically raise regarding prayer such as prayer's relationship to doubt, suffering and faith. It's a comprehensive introduction to praying and offers some very practical, sound advice on how to have a satisfying prayer life. The reason the pleasure rating is so low is that I have this sinful propensity to see Christianity as merely a system of ideas and concepts. When a book becomes intensely practical, my sinful heart says "Come on, man! Where are the INSIGHTS??? The connections between one idea and another?!" So the low rating says a lot more about me than about the book.
2. The New Testament Documents: Are They Reliable (F. F. Bruce)
Pleasure: 6/10 Stars
Utility: 9/10 Stars
In this brief but classic examination of the historicity of the 27 "books" in the New Testament canon, Dr. Bruce lays a bedrock for faith. Each chapter is (relatively) short but addresses a different type of the prose (the gospels, the Pauline epistles, the Petrine epistles, and the Johannine writings), pulls what historicity we can from each section and shows that the New Testament is worthy to be considered as a rigorously compiled record of God's interaction in our world through Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit. In addition to addressing each kind of prose, Dr. Bruce also looked at some of the most common objections that modern, secular critics raise when confronting Scripture. It was often tersely worded and hard to understand but with some focus and a dictionary/ Wikipedia at hand it was WELL worth the read.
Next up is Jane Eyre...
31 December 2013
A List of What God Did in 2013
Instead of another insipid round of self-evaluation like I would normally engage in on an occasion like New Year's Eve, I decided to focus on awesome things that God did this past year. Here goes!
1. I was let go from Walmart on December 26th, 2012 and spent a month searching for work in an economically stagnant Hanover. The day before I would have had to go through the application and hiring process again, I got a call from the HR office saying they'd like to bring me back on as a permanent employee. I was later told that I was the ONLY seasonal cashier that they called back. They were authorized to call one person back and I was the one they picked. That was a God-thing.
2. In February, I flew out to Phoenix, AZ to interview with the Arizona Teaching Fellows. I didn't make it into the program and was a bit bummed out by that fact. Mere weeks later, I realized that I really wasn't interested in teaching again after Korea. Can you imagine if I'd made it into that program, moved out to Phoenix and THEN realized I didn't like being a teacher?! God saved me from stepping in a big pile of it there!
3. After coming back from Phoenix, I started work at a turkey-processing plant in New Oxford. It was miserable and I hated every minute of it. I went back to Walmart and pleaded with them to give me my old job back. God made sure they hadn't hired another person to replace me yet and I was able to finish out the week and then return to a job that I didn't mind as much. And I got a great pair of galoshes out of the deal too!
4. I found a great place to live that I could afford on my budget shortly after that fiasco. Living on a part-time Walmart job isn't a great financial base and I had to pass up a few places before finding this one. It's been such a blessing though. The landlady is great, it comes furnished, and I even have money for extras now and then.
5. I started experiencing major tooth pain in April but I didn't have the income to see a dentist right away. The dentist referred me to a credit offer that would allow me to have an emergency root canal done with no interest for 6 months. I applied and was approved. I had the procedure done and God provided the money I needed to pay off the whole bill within the 6 month time frame.
6. God provided the finances I needed to travel down to Lynchburg in September for an interview in Student Accounts at Liberty. I didn't get the job but I had a great time visiting friends and resting. I think God just knew I needed a little break to enjoy myself but that I wouldn't "waste" money doing it just because.
7. When I felt the financial noose tightening in November, I became really upset thinking that I wouldn't get any sort of a Christmas celebration. The worst moods were the week before my hours started shooting through the roof and the 10% grocery discount went into effect. God gave me a terrific Christmas and even lovingly reminded me on Christmas Eve that He really was the greatest reason to celebrate and that I shouldn't be so fixated on giving or receiving gifts or enjoying nice food.
8. God has opened the door for me to really get to know my dad better. His schedule is pretty full but we've had enough time to visit just the two of us together a couple of times. I am thankful that I have this opportunity.
9. God did so many little things this year that I can't list because I don't remember them. I've become more aware of how richly He has blessed me in the past couple of months. Every Sunday, I learn more about His love for me and His grace and compassion. I've gotten to meet with my mentor Bruce several times. I'm getting ready to retake my driver's license test. I've become involved with two small group bible studies. I've been a member of eHarmony for a few months and have met people on there that I'm getting to know better. I've gotten a couple pieces of furniture that make my house feel more like a home. And on and on and on. And He's done these things in the face of my sinfulness and rebelliousness. He. Is. Awesome!
1. I was let go from Walmart on December 26th, 2012 and spent a month searching for work in an economically stagnant Hanover. The day before I would have had to go through the application and hiring process again, I got a call from the HR office saying they'd like to bring me back on as a permanent employee. I was later told that I was the ONLY seasonal cashier that they called back. They were authorized to call one person back and I was the one they picked. That was a God-thing.
2. In February, I flew out to Phoenix, AZ to interview with the Arizona Teaching Fellows. I didn't make it into the program and was a bit bummed out by that fact. Mere weeks later, I realized that I really wasn't interested in teaching again after Korea. Can you imagine if I'd made it into that program, moved out to Phoenix and THEN realized I didn't like being a teacher?! God saved me from stepping in a big pile of it there!
3. After coming back from Phoenix, I started work at a turkey-processing plant in New Oxford. It was miserable and I hated every minute of it. I went back to Walmart and pleaded with them to give me my old job back. God made sure they hadn't hired another person to replace me yet and I was able to finish out the week and then return to a job that I didn't mind as much. And I got a great pair of galoshes out of the deal too!
4. I found a great place to live that I could afford on my budget shortly after that fiasco. Living on a part-time Walmart job isn't a great financial base and I had to pass up a few places before finding this one. It's been such a blessing though. The landlady is great, it comes furnished, and I even have money for extras now and then.
5. I started experiencing major tooth pain in April but I didn't have the income to see a dentist right away. The dentist referred me to a credit offer that would allow me to have an emergency root canal done with no interest for 6 months. I applied and was approved. I had the procedure done and God provided the money I needed to pay off the whole bill within the 6 month time frame.
6. God provided the finances I needed to travel down to Lynchburg in September for an interview in Student Accounts at Liberty. I didn't get the job but I had a great time visiting friends and resting. I think God just knew I needed a little break to enjoy myself but that I wouldn't "waste" money doing it just because.
7. When I felt the financial noose tightening in November, I became really upset thinking that I wouldn't get any sort of a Christmas celebration. The worst moods were the week before my hours started shooting through the roof and the 10% grocery discount went into effect. God gave me a terrific Christmas and even lovingly reminded me on Christmas Eve that He really was the greatest reason to celebrate and that I shouldn't be so fixated on giving or receiving gifts or enjoying nice food.
8. God has opened the door for me to really get to know my dad better. His schedule is pretty full but we've had enough time to visit just the two of us together a couple of times. I am thankful that I have this opportunity.
9. God did so many little things this year that I can't list because I don't remember them. I've become more aware of how richly He has blessed me in the past couple of months. Every Sunday, I learn more about His love for me and His grace and compassion. I've gotten to meet with my mentor Bruce several times. I'm getting ready to retake my driver's license test. I've become involved with two small group bible studies. I've been a member of eHarmony for a few months and have met people on there that I'm getting to know better. I've gotten a couple pieces of furniture that make my house feel more like a home. And on and on and on. And He's done these things in the face of my sinfulness and rebelliousness. He. Is. Awesome!
29 December 2013
A Christmas 2014 Challenge
Every year I hear people talking about how Christmas has become too commercialized and every year we continue to just grumble and become stressed about the whole holiday season and just wish it was over. It is literally the same every year. First comes Thanksgiving, then special sales, then parties and gatherings, then Christmas Eve services, then opening many, many presents, then big meals, then "relaxing" and visiting. Have you noticed the presents? Most of them are so superficial. Everybody gets excited about them as Christmas Day approaches but by mid-February most (if not all of them) are forgotten. We buy a whole heap of stuff but usually by the following Christmas we struggle to remember what it was we got last time. Why is that? No, really. Why? So much money gets spent on presents but what we get out of them is not proportionate. Hence my idea...
Next Christmas, let's just NOT buy a whole TON of gifts! We'll save a little bit of money which (contrary to what some economists tell us) actually really helps the economy; especially when it's money that we don't have (aka credit cards). Now I'm not saying to not have gifts next Christmas. I'm not saying that staring at each other around the Christmas tree thinking "Gee! It's great being non-materialistic!" I'm not saying that at all. What I AM saying is let's THINK of one (or two) gifts that will really, really be appreciated by our loved ones. Let's stop thinking superficially about Christmas gifts and get things that really speak to each others' personalities. For some people, this will mean working little by little on a big art project from August to December. For some, this will mean writing something to a person that will stick with them as being really, truly heartfelt. For some, this will mean taking a lot of photos and compiling a scrapbook. For some, this will mean learning about ice fishing, buying a few cheap supplies and planning a trip up to Minnesota for father-son or brotherly bonding time. You get my point. Basically, let's think about what really matters to our loved ones and going above and beyond to give it to them for next Christmas. I challenge you. Choose one or two people that you really want to express your love to as a gift next Christmas and then do it.
After all, this is EXACTLY what God did for us at Christmas time. He had been thinking for millennia and gave the absolute perfect gift that is beyond our wildest dreams. Imagine if He had chosen to give us 10,000 little things but left out the big one. The exact same thing that happens for most of our Christmases would have happened on a grand scale. We'd have gotten tired of the novelty and forgotten them fast. Let's give gifts next Christmas on a small scale like God gave us on a large scale.
Next Christmas, let's just NOT buy a whole TON of gifts! We'll save a little bit of money which (contrary to what some economists tell us) actually really helps the economy; especially when it's money that we don't have (aka credit cards). Now I'm not saying to not have gifts next Christmas. I'm not saying that staring at each other around the Christmas tree thinking "Gee! It's great being non-materialistic!" I'm not saying that at all. What I AM saying is let's THINK of one (or two) gifts that will really, really be appreciated by our loved ones. Let's stop thinking superficially about Christmas gifts and get things that really speak to each others' personalities. For some people, this will mean working little by little on a big art project from August to December. For some, this will mean writing something to a person that will stick with them as being really, truly heartfelt. For some, this will mean taking a lot of photos and compiling a scrapbook. For some, this will mean learning about ice fishing, buying a few cheap supplies and planning a trip up to Minnesota for father-son or brotherly bonding time. You get my point. Basically, let's think about what really matters to our loved ones and going above and beyond to give it to them for next Christmas. I challenge you. Choose one or two people that you really want to express your love to as a gift next Christmas and then do it.
After all, this is EXACTLY what God did for us at Christmas time. He had been thinking for millennia and gave the absolute perfect gift that is beyond our wildest dreams. Imagine if He had chosen to give us 10,000 little things but left out the big one. The exact same thing that happens for most of our Christmases would have happened on a grand scale. We'd have gotten tired of the novelty and forgotten them fast. Let's give gifts next Christmas on a small scale like God gave us on a large scale.
14 December 2013
Christmas Letter of a Single Bachelor
Merry Christmas, everyone!
I remember when I was younger (perhaps 11 or 12), I used to really want to write a Christmas letter for my family because the idea was just such a romantic (in the sense of idealistic) one and I was already pretty serious at that age. So after seeing a couple different ones this year on Facebook and another blog I decided to have a go at it myself. Now the problem is that I'm the only one that's a part of my family unit (or at least the only visible one). And it's that parenthetical addition that let me feel that writing a letter from an unmarried, childless guy wasn't an exercise in narcissism or self-centeredness. Because when you know God, you're not the only one in your family unit and it makes all the difference in the world as you grow in that knowledge. So here's the story of me and my God and the goings-on of the past year.
I'll start a little bit before last year to give more context. I arrived back from two years of teaching English in Korea in August of 2012 planning to return in a month or two after a chance to regroup. I decided to do this myself and didn't bother consulting my Father about the decision. I simply decided that of course I would return because it was a good source of income. I'd been searching for a new school for the past couple of months and continued (in theory) for a couple weeks more into my vacation. My vacation consisted of traveling from Baltimore, MD to Amsterdam, NY to visit a close friend pastoring a church up there. I spent about 10 days with him and his new wife and their families. Mike was the first to urge me to reconsider returning to Korea. He knew it had been anything BUT a walk in the park for me spiritually and emotionally and urged me to consider the wisdom of it and consult my Father. He didn't press me on it, though, and my journey continued to the town of my alma mater, Liberty University, Lynchburg, VA.
So I stayed about a week in Lynchburg visiting my old haunts, seeing several friends and old church comrades. One of the nights while I was down there I had a rotten sleep and the thought "Should I really return to Korea?" kept flying around my head in a circle. I thought about the various logical aspects and weighing my desire to get married, the shortage of women who spoke fluent English over there, the spiritual struggles I'd encountered and the intense feelings of loneliness and isolation that had swept over my soul from time to time. In the end, I came to the conclusion that the ONLY reason I wanted to return was the money. So I consulted with a couple of older friends and they didn't feel that returning for solely financial reasons was honoring to God and displayed a lack of trust in His ability to provide for my needs. Well at that point I was a bit dazed realizing that I likely wouldn't be returning to Korea despite my having stored a lot of my personal possessions in a suitcase over there.
To complete my vacation, I flew out to the West Coast to visit another close friend and his wife and son in the small northern California town of Yreka. While there, I contacted my dad and expressed the situation I was in having decided not to return to Korea and needing a place to live. He and my stepmom, with incredible grace and understanding opened their home to me for a few months while I figured out how to get back on my feet again. A job was the first order and I found one shortly after starting my search at Walmart in October 2012. I have (more or less) been there for a full year making various excursions to different places in the search for more gainful employment.
The real theme of my life during the past year has been grace and contentment balanced by continuing to venture out to move forward in life. Among the things I can say I am most thankful for this year are my church (Hanover Valley) where I have sat under a man who preaches the fullness and depth of God's love for people who are weak and sinful and ignored or rejected by the world, my mentor Bruce for letting me share my life with him, and (more than anything) for the reality that my Father loves me so patiently when I get life wrong again and again and again and again and when I fail to love Him as He ought to be loved and fail to love others as I ought to. It's that love that, little by little, changes me to be more loving and giving and gracious to people.
So that's my year. I hope you have experienced the depth of God's love for you too.
Merry Christmas,
Wesley
I remember when I was younger (perhaps 11 or 12), I used to really want to write a Christmas letter for my family because the idea was just such a romantic (in the sense of idealistic) one and I was already pretty serious at that age. So after seeing a couple different ones this year on Facebook and another blog I decided to have a go at it myself. Now the problem is that I'm the only one that's a part of my family unit (or at least the only visible one). And it's that parenthetical addition that let me feel that writing a letter from an unmarried, childless guy wasn't an exercise in narcissism or self-centeredness. Because when you know God, you're not the only one in your family unit and it makes all the difference in the world as you grow in that knowledge. So here's the story of me and my God and the goings-on of the past year.
I'll start a little bit before last year to give more context. I arrived back from two years of teaching English in Korea in August of 2012 planning to return in a month or two after a chance to regroup. I decided to do this myself and didn't bother consulting my Father about the decision. I simply decided that of course I would return because it was a good source of income. I'd been searching for a new school for the past couple of months and continued (in theory) for a couple weeks more into my vacation. My vacation consisted of traveling from Baltimore, MD to Amsterdam, NY to visit a close friend pastoring a church up there. I spent about 10 days with him and his new wife and their families. Mike was the first to urge me to reconsider returning to Korea. He knew it had been anything BUT a walk in the park for me spiritually and emotionally and urged me to consider the wisdom of it and consult my Father. He didn't press me on it, though, and my journey continued to the town of my alma mater, Liberty University, Lynchburg, VA.
So I stayed about a week in Lynchburg visiting my old haunts, seeing several friends and old church comrades. One of the nights while I was down there I had a rotten sleep and the thought "Should I really return to Korea?" kept flying around my head in a circle. I thought about the various logical aspects and weighing my desire to get married, the shortage of women who spoke fluent English over there, the spiritual struggles I'd encountered and the intense feelings of loneliness and isolation that had swept over my soul from time to time. In the end, I came to the conclusion that the ONLY reason I wanted to return was the money. So I consulted with a couple of older friends and they didn't feel that returning for solely financial reasons was honoring to God and displayed a lack of trust in His ability to provide for my needs. Well at that point I was a bit dazed realizing that I likely wouldn't be returning to Korea despite my having stored a lot of my personal possessions in a suitcase over there.
To complete my vacation, I flew out to the West Coast to visit another close friend and his wife and son in the small northern California town of Yreka. While there, I contacted my dad and expressed the situation I was in having decided not to return to Korea and needing a place to live. He and my stepmom, with incredible grace and understanding opened their home to me for a few months while I figured out how to get back on my feet again. A job was the first order and I found one shortly after starting my search at Walmart in October 2012. I have (more or less) been there for a full year making various excursions to different places in the search for more gainful employment.
The real theme of my life during the past year has been grace and contentment balanced by continuing to venture out to move forward in life. Among the things I can say I am most thankful for this year are my church (Hanover Valley) where I have sat under a man who preaches the fullness and depth of God's love for people who are weak and sinful and ignored or rejected by the world, my mentor Bruce for letting me share my life with him, and (more than anything) for the reality that my Father loves me so patiently when I get life wrong again and again and again and again and when I fail to love Him as He ought to be loved and fail to love others as I ought to. It's that love that, little by little, changes me to be more loving and giving and gracious to people.
So that's my year. I hope you have experienced the depth of God's love for you too.
Merry Christmas,
Wesley
22 November 2013
Know God
Don't just know about him. Learn to trust him. Spend time with him daily. This is the only way to fight temptation. Imagine a married man working late at the office one day when his secretary tries to seduce him. Whether he gives in to temptation or not has everything to do with the quality of his marriage. Temptation in our lives cannot be fought effectively by constantly thinking of our justification any more than a man can resist the pull to have an affair by trying to remember his wedding ceremony. By all means, let the fact of your marriage lead you to spend as much time with your spouse as possible but don't just repeat the mantra "I'm married! I'm married! I'm married!" in the face of temptation as it's one of the least effective strategies. No mantra will ever bring you success in fighting temptation. You must KNOW your spouse to be beautiful and worthy of your commitment and more enjoyable than any other woman. Being able to resist temptation has much more to do with your ongoing, day-to-day walk with Christ than with the fact that you once trusted him as your savior. Abiding in his presence day by day is so necessary to ensure the health of your marriage. Pursue him today. NOT in order to become better or fight temptation more effectively but because of your justification. Spending time with your spouse in order to resist temptation is absurd! It's such a dishonor to your spouse! You're effectively saying that if you spend enough time in THEIR presence it'll make you want to never have sex with anyone ever again. In the same way, spending time with Christ can't be used IN ORDER TO resist temptation. It's an insult to him. You're effectively saying that if you spend enough time with Christ, you'll eventually just be content to be joyless and depressed. Christ is in the business of increasing desires, not shrinking them.
And don't be content with head knowledge! Beseech God for heart knowledge. Because that's the only kind of knowledge that really counts in the end.
And don't be content with head knowledge! Beseech God for heart knowledge. Because that's the only kind of knowledge that really counts in the end.
18 November 2013
An Extended Joke About Walmart's Bags
Once upon a time in a far off land called Wally World, there was a chain of stores called Walmart. The leader of the business, a man named King CEO, was a man of great means. He had a nice house, a helicopter, and even a bomb shelter equipped with enough supplies for more than a year. He was well-respected by everyone who crossed paths with him and enjoyed many things that the commoners of Wally World didn't even know existed. Speaking of the commoners, thousands of them were employed as serfs in his stores. They worked hard, treated each customer as well as they could and did it for a small allowance of money that King CEO deigned to give them. The customers loved King CEO's stores because of the low prices that helped them live better. And because the lowly serfs always seemed relatively happy, they assumed that all was well in King CEO's kingdom.
But things were not well. The king, wanting to conserve his wealth, organized his kingdom so that the work of 10 people could be accomplished by only 3 or 4. The pay of the 3 or 4 would stay the same but they were required to accomplish the same amount of work. Some of the serfs were trained as cashiers. Their duties included greeting each customer, helping them check out with their purchases and bagging the items so as to make it easier to carry out to their various modes of transportation. In the early days of King CEO's reign, the bags were made relatively well and customers had the opportunity to choose between paper and plastic. The bags would occasionally tear but on the whole they were of a fairly high quality. As the years went by, though, the king desired to save even more money so he told his noble lords to decrease the bag quality so as to retain more of the kingdom's wealth. So they did. Then they did it again a few years later. Eventually, they did it so much that sometimes quantities of bags were delivered from the factories with defects that prevented them from being used. Even the customers began to hate the bags after a while. Some of them had experienced bags breaking in the parking lots or at home and food or other goods being ruined by falling. All was not well.
One day, a lowly cashier named Bob made his way to King CEO's palace to propose an idea to the wise monarch. He was cautiously ushered into the inner sanctum where King CEO sat enthroned on a grand throne made of recycled shopping carts dipped in liquid gold.
"Your majesty," spoke Bob.
"Yes, peasant?" replied King CEO.
"I have a wonderful idea, my lord. One that could increase both the luxury of our stores and the cost of operating."
"Have you? Let me hear it!"
"If my lord will permit me, I will show him a bag made of such fine quality and such extraordinary durability that it is absolutely invisible to anyone who is foolish."
"Show me!"
At this, Bob performed a flourish with his hands to present the so-called bag. Of course, there was nothing there.
"Now of course your majesty is not a fool so you can clearly see what wonderful fabric this bag is composed of and feel the thickness and durability of the material," said Bob as he placed the "bag" in the open hands of the king.
Not wanting to be thought a fool by this peasant, the king exclaimed, "By Jove! What a wonderful bag this is! How is it that I have never seen or felt a bag such as this yet? It must be very expensive!"
"Not at all, sire! As a matter of fact, I have found a factory that is willing to produce this bag for 10% less than the bags your stores are using now!"
"Great Scott! Order the factory to begin at once! Tell them that they will be the only supplier Walmart works with!"
"One more thing, your majesty!" exclaimed Bob.
"Yes? What is it?"
"We in your stores feel that the great honor of being the first customer to check out with such a wonderful bag should be you, our sovereign leader."
"I agree!"
"It will take about three days for the factory to produce as many bags as will be necessary to replace the bags being used now. So I propose that in 3 days, my Lord shall enter the Walmart store here in Benton-villia where national news crews will capture our gracious Sovereign being the first to use these magnificent bags."
"Wonderful! If you weren't a serf, I would make you second in command of the vast Walmart empire but as it is it would cause far too much scandal. So instead, I will award you one dress down day wherein you can wear any clothing you desire as long as it is not obscene."
"Thank you, sire! Oh thank you! Thank you so much! From the bottom of my heart! Oh my kind Lord!"
On this, Bob exited the royal pavilion and returned to save customers money so they could live better.
Three days later, the Walmart store in Benton-villia was far, far too crowded. Many film crews had arrived from both local and national news networks. It was around 10 am when King CEO appeared in the store. The first place he went was electronics. When they told him they didn't have any iPhones dipped in gold, he disappointedly walked to the grocery section and, on seeing the many flavors of yogurt, picked up many of them. Moving down to the pasta aisle, he suddenly got a craving for spaghetti and loaded his cart with many exotic flavors of sauce and many different jars of salsa. Finally, he bought all of the Ben and Jerry's pints in the ice cream section.
"Welcome, my lord, my liege!" exclaimed Bob as the king entered his line.
"Hello, young squire!"
"Did you find everything you were looking for today?"
"You didn't have iPhones dipped in gold. I was a bit disappointed."
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry, my Lord! Methinks you should propose the idea to Congress. Perhaps they can legislate the release of such a product."
As each item was scanned, it was placed in the bagging area by Bob's agile hands. The king moved forward and began to load each "bag" into his cart. The moisture from the yogurt and ice cream, mixing with Bob's lotion which he applied abundantly, made the spaghetti and salsa jars fairly slippery. The entire order took about ten minutes to ring up while many customers and other serfs gazed on in wonder as the king slowly loaded each "bag" into his cart. Several times, a jar of tomato sauce or salsa slipped through the king's hands and smashed on the floor, soiling the king's pants. Bob would instantly say "What wonderful bags these are, aren't they, my king?" "By Thor, they're wonderful!" The serfs held their breath with each broken jar knowing that they could be liable to be terminated on the king's command. Finally, a little boy in one of the carts looked at his father, laughed, and said, "Why doesn't that silly man use bags?" On this, the serfs could no longer hold it in but busted out laughing. The king, humiliated, ran from the store as tomato sauce, yogurt, salsa and ice cream dripped from his legs and crotch.
The End
But things were not well. The king, wanting to conserve his wealth, organized his kingdom so that the work of 10 people could be accomplished by only 3 or 4. The pay of the 3 or 4 would stay the same but they were required to accomplish the same amount of work. Some of the serfs were trained as cashiers. Their duties included greeting each customer, helping them check out with their purchases and bagging the items so as to make it easier to carry out to their various modes of transportation. In the early days of King CEO's reign, the bags were made relatively well and customers had the opportunity to choose between paper and plastic. The bags would occasionally tear but on the whole they were of a fairly high quality. As the years went by, though, the king desired to save even more money so he told his noble lords to decrease the bag quality so as to retain more of the kingdom's wealth. So they did. Then they did it again a few years later. Eventually, they did it so much that sometimes quantities of bags were delivered from the factories with defects that prevented them from being used. Even the customers began to hate the bags after a while. Some of them had experienced bags breaking in the parking lots or at home and food or other goods being ruined by falling. All was not well.
One day, a lowly cashier named Bob made his way to King CEO's palace to propose an idea to the wise monarch. He was cautiously ushered into the inner sanctum where King CEO sat enthroned on a grand throne made of recycled shopping carts dipped in liquid gold.
"Your majesty," spoke Bob.
"Yes, peasant?" replied King CEO.
"I have a wonderful idea, my lord. One that could increase both the luxury of our stores and the cost of operating."
"Have you? Let me hear it!"
"If my lord will permit me, I will show him a bag made of such fine quality and such extraordinary durability that it is absolutely invisible to anyone who is foolish."
"Show me!"
At this, Bob performed a flourish with his hands to present the so-called bag. Of course, there was nothing there.
"Now of course your majesty is not a fool so you can clearly see what wonderful fabric this bag is composed of and feel the thickness and durability of the material," said Bob as he placed the "bag" in the open hands of the king.
Not wanting to be thought a fool by this peasant, the king exclaimed, "By Jove! What a wonderful bag this is! How is it that I have never seen or felt a bag such as this yet? It must be very expensive!"
"Not at all, sire! As a matter of fact, I have found a factory that is willing to produce this bag for 10% less than the bags your stores are using now!"
"Great Scott! Order the factory to begin at once! Tell them that they will be the only supplier Walmart works with!"
"One more thing, your majesty!" exclaimed Bob.
"Yes? What is it?"
"We in your stores feel that the great honor of being the first customer to check out with such a wonderful bag should be you, our sovereign leader."
"I agree!"
"It will take about three days for the factory to produce as many bags as will be necessary to replace the bags being used now. So I propose that in 3 days, my Lord shall enter the Walmart store here in Benton-villia where national news crews will capture our gracious Sovereign being the first to use these magnificent bags."
"Wonderful! If you weren't a serf, I would make you second in command of the vast Walmart empire but as it is it would cause far too much scandal. So instead, I will award you one dress down day wherein you can wear any clothing you desire as long as it is not obscene."
"Thank you, sire! Oh thank you! Thank you so much! From the bottom of my heart! Oh my kind Lord!"
On this, Bob exited the royal pavilion and returned to save customers money so they could live better.
Three days later, the Walmart store in Benton-villia was far, far too crowded. Many film crews had arrived from both local and national news networks. It was around 10 am when King CEO appeared in the store. The first place he went was electronics. When they told him they didn't have any iPhones dipped in gold, he disappointedly walked to the grocery section and, on seeing the many flavors of yogurt, picked up many of them. Moving down to the pasta aisle, he suddenly got a craving for spaghetti and loaded his cart with many exotic flavors of sauce and many different jars of salsa. Finally, he bought all of the Ben and Jerry's pints in the ice cream section.
"Welcome, my lord, my liege!" exclaimed Bob as the king entered his line.
"Hello, young squire!"
"Did you find everything you were looking for today?"
"You didn't have iPhones dipped in gold. I was a bit disappointed."
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry, my Lord! Methinks you should propose the idea to Congress. Perhaps they can legislate the release of such a product."
As each item was scanned, it was placed in the bagging area by Bob's agile hands. The king moved forward and began to load each "bag" into his cart. The moisture from the yogurt and ice cream, mixing with Bob's lotion which he applied abundantly, made the spaghetti and salsa jars fairly slippery. The entire order took about ten minutes to ring up while many customers and other serfs gazed on in wonder as the king slowly loaded each "bag" into his cart. Several times, a jar of tomato sauce or salsa slipped through the king's hands and smashed on the floor, soiling the king's pants. Bob would instantly say "What wonderful bags these are, aren't they, my king?" "By Thor, they're wonderful!" The serfs held their breath with each broken jar knowing that they could be liable to be terminated on the king's command. Finally, a little boy in one of the carts looked at his father, laughed, and said, "Why doesn't that silly man use bags?" On this, the serfs could no longer hold it in but busted out laughing. The king, humiliated, ran from the store as tomato sauce, yogurt, salsa and ice cream dripped from his legs and crotch.
The End
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